dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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