i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
