you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
