I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize