I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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