i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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