At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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