omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
