this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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