I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
