if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
