Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
