were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
