your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
