May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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