Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
