I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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