My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
