just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
