she was so not down for the gang bang
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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