I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
