My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
