Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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