I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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