M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
