He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he was CRYING into my vagina
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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