My friends, they love my intelligence
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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