I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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