So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
