man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
