the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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