don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
