Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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