Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
