Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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