Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
