Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
