have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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