So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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