I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize