In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
