Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
