He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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