i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
porn star boner night. come get it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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