You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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