The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
