I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
