i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You are a genius and a whore.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
