If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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