Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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