oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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