I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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