Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
