i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
