i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
