Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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