Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
nutella sex= disaster
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
