I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
