it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
