I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
