my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to make out with him forever
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
