Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
