Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
