I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
