i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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