I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
