Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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