If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
