I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
