"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
