You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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