Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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