i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
