CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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