I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
