Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
