i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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