the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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