no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
