I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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