just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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