my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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