If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
