i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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